going for gold (disjointed thoughts)

Do you still find joy in your dream? Be honest. If not, it's time to find another one. I've been writing a novel for about three years now. I know - it's slow progress! I still feel a lot of affection for the manuscript and I'm not giving up on it, but a friend of mine told me a while ago that you don't really get to decide what kind of writer you are - whatever you're moved to write is what you're supposed to write. And the truth is, I write about personal development. It just pours out of me on a daily basis. I'm writing it here, I'm writing it on Facebook, I'm writing it in a e-book and I'm writing it for other places. I never thought in a million and one years that I'd be a writer of self-development and spirituality and all that jazz. But, from heart level, I am. I must be. The same friend also told me that you're not a writer just by thinking of yourself as a writer. You're not a writer because you write once in a blue moon when the inspiration takes you (as I do with my novel). You're a writer when you just can't stop and, even when you're finding it difficult, you solider on. You're a writer if you're writing stuff, basically. It's not an ego thing - it's got to be real. And this is true for pretty much everything. For a long time I saw myself as a novelist. I believed that there was this novelist inside me just struggling to get free. I had to let go of  'the life I was meant to live' and accept that whilst the novel is a positive thing in my life, it's not where I really go for gold. I go for gold when I'm writing about healing, inspiration, empowerment.. And that's ok. It's good to know where you find joy. It sometimes turns out that you find it in the places you never expected, but you're still you. 

So, where do you find joy? Where does it really count for you? Don't let your ego tell you that you have to give your energy to something you're supposed to be. Be what you are.

Be unapologetic when you're going after your dreams. When you're nursing them, checking in with them and enjoying them, do so on your own terms. When you're updating them, releasing them or realising that they've become unhealthy, do that for you regardless of what other people think. It's amazing how often we inconvenience people by merely changing ourselves. This happens because people get comfortable with a certain perception of who you are. When they've 'got you pegged' they feel secure in that knowledge and when you evolve, they feel cheated. This might have happened to you once when a friend or family member underwent an evolution and seemed to become a different person. You may have found it difficult to accept or believed that their desire to change was a judgement directed squarely at you. We're human. Consciousness is complex and we don't always figure something out as quickly as we'd like. Someone's need to be free and authentic is not intended to be a slur on your character. Let go of that idea. And if someone is having difficulty accepting the direction you're moving in, be compassionate towards them but also be unafraid to create some distance if they're holding you back. You're worthy of that distance if it's necessary.

Where has the status quo become untenable? That's where you can afford to take a risk. If things have become unbearable or nonsensical, you're not really risking much by acting - you have nothing to lose.

People often talk about losing everything and how it's a means to true freedom. If you're not happy, why shouldn't you take a giant leap of faith? Unhappiness is a gift in this way. It eventually encourages you to stop coasting along, damn it! Take something for yourself!

Excitement and fear sometimes have a neat little relationship. You can focus on what you're fearful of:

'My article won't be accepted anywhere and my ego will be bruised.'

Or on what you're excited about:

'I've got the balls to send my article out and it might just get published!'

Which one is more useful? Which one creates the most scope for inspiration and positivity?

Anyway, whatever happens, I believe in you.

At one point in my life I hadn't left my bed for almost a week other than to use the toilet and occasionally prepare food (when my stomach could handle it). My future was a black hole and I cried constantly. I considered getting dressed just to go outside and jump off something tall. It was a shitty time. At some point during that time, I mustered up a seed of belief, so I know I can do the same for you now.

*hands you a small shiny seed*

*points to soil*